| This Translation is divided into the
following sections:
A
Brief History of the BUTTPLUG
Note: Some more detail is given to this
subject in the translation "Legend of the Methane Caves". It is recommended that
you read it first.
The knowledge of "The Secret Order of the
BUTTPLUG", its fierce Warrior Classes, and the practical use of the BUTTPLUG in
battle have been carefully written down in the Methane Scrolls and zealously guarded by
the Methane Gods over many thousands of years. Their secrets have never been revealed
since the age of AM and "The Great Conflagration".
When the Methane Gods recently observed the formation of a
warrior clan, known as Old Fart, they knew the time
had come once again to reveal their secrets to this clan. The Methane Gods knew that
when this responsible, humble, kind, generous, aged, wise, and odorous clan came into
existence, that the Clan Old Fart, and the Clan Old Fart alone would
properly handle the responsibilities of BUTTPLUG use, and once again enlighten the world
on the wondrous joys of FARTING.
The Methane Gods now have renewed hope and have been
rejoicing in gleeful anticipation of hearing the great inspirational words shouted without
shame or fear by OF members, "I FFAARRT in Your General
Direction".
The "Secret Order of the BUTTPLUG" was organized
by the Methane Gods from their loyal warrior class followers two centuries before the end
of the enlightened age known as BM (Before Methane).
This "Secret Order" (also proudly known as the
"Secret Odor" by its proud practitioners) used BUTTPLUG techniques primarily to
repel and demoralize enemies of the Methane Gods. Those who have sworn allegiance to the
Clan OLD FART, are considered by the Methane Gods to be full members of "The Secret
Order of the BUTTPLUG"
BUTTPLUG
Use and Tactical Deployment
There were several warrior classes within the "Secret
Order of the BUTTPLUG". The three major classes are described below. Each had its
special function to help control the evil forces of the "Anti-Fartists" that
were bent on the destruction of the Methane Gods. These warrior classes and how they used
their BUTTPLUGS are described in the Ancient Scrolls as follows:
THE SIGNAL CORPS WARRIOR
CLASS
- This was a highly specialized and secretive group
of warriors. These were individuals of small stature and size, for they needed to move
about very fast. They could insert their BUTTPLUGS very quickly and had the ability to
build up a moderate amount of methane in their bowels in a short period of time.
They ate a very special diet (unknown even by the Methane
Gods) that prevented their "emissions" from having any odor that could tip off
their location to the enemy "Anti-Fartists".
They also had the special physical ability of
having extraordinary muscle control of their anal sphincter. Once an adequate volume of
methane had built up in their bowels, they quickly pulled out the BUTTPLUG. For a brief
period of time they were able to squeeze the sphincter tightly and hold the gas in their
bowels, even with the BUTTPLUG removed. Then, with precise muscle control, they would
squeeze the methane through their sphincter and produce various trumpet like sounds that
could be heard for long distances. These sounds were primarily used for signaling to warn
the Methane Gods and other warriors about approaching enemies or used for battle calls. It
is said that some could produce such loud and piercing sounds that it often drove their
enemies away without having to engage them in battle.
The Trumpeters (as they were commonly known) were
also used for ceremonial occasions such as announcing the arrival of dignitaries, etc.
They also signaled the beginning and end of each day. Their trumpeting would sweetly carry
on the quiet and still air of the early morning and late evening. A few of the more
talented individuals would form "Fartets", and were always in demand to serenade
the other warrior classes, usually at informal gatherings and dances. It was said that
their harmonies were so exquisite that it would bring tears to the eyes of the fiercest
warriors.
THE BUTTPLUG INFANTRY
WARRIOR CLASS
- This was the class that made up most of the
BUTTPLUG armies of the Methane Gods. These were individuals of large stature and size, for
they needed the size and strength not only to be able to do physical combat, but also have
enough bowel capacity to make their BUTTPLUG defense potent.
There were always a large number of the BUTTPLUG warriors in a
state of preparedness and on duty. These warriors were on active BUTTPLUG duty two of
every three days. They spent the first 24-hour day at rest with the BUTTPLUG inserted so
that their bowels were bulging full of gas. The second day, was served on patrol with this
bowel full of methane, ready to engage any of the "Anti-Fartists" as necessary.
The third day was a day of rest, allowing them to properly evacuate their systems, ready
for the next BUTTPLUG cycle to begin the next day.
Their diet consisted of any food that would give
them low solids content, but very high stench capability. This diet varied from individual
to individual, but the most common diet to produce such powerful odor was a strained
version of what we today call cabbage and sauerkraut combined with pickled goose eggs
eaten in mass quantities.
The BUTTPLUG deployment was quite simple. First
they made sure they were not next to some ignition source (after all, they wanted to live
to fart another day). Second, upon spotting an "Anti-Fartist" gathering, they
would aim their posteriors at the target, lift up the special flap on their breeches that
gave them quick access to their BUTTPLUG, pop the cork, and flood the area with a
horrendous stench. The regular citizen was not affected by the smell, but the
"Anti-Fartists" could not tolerate even the slightest stink, and they would flee
in terror. It got so that at the sound of the BUTTPLUGS popping upon removal, the
"Anti-Fartists" would already be running away holding their noses. You can
imagine the psychological terror experienced by each of the "Anti-Fartists" when
they heard the popping of a simple wine cork at dinner.
These warriors usually enjoyed long and
productive lives. They usually lived longer than most of the general population for some
reason. Those that lived long enough to retire, and upon their retirement from the
BUTTPLUG service, were given the honorable title of OLD FART.
THE BUTTPLUG CENTURIONS -
SPECIAL FORCES WARRIOR CLASS
- This is now a forbidden warrior class organized by
the Methane Gods during the AM epoch. They were considered by the Methane Gods to
be the ultimate Doomsday Machine. Their purpose was to provide the last and final defense
to prevent the Methane Gods' destruction at the hands of the now powerful
"Anti-Fartists"
These warriors,
accompanied by their companion torchbearers were huge individuals. They were so big they
needed to be hauled around on small carts (naturally, these warriors were held in such
high regard as sex symbols that nekkid young females vied for the honor of pulling these
carts). The purpose of these elite flatulating warriors was to store massive
quantities of explosive methane gas in their huge bowels and intestinal tract. A special
large BUTTPLUG was required for these behemoths. Their BUTTPLUGS would be installed one
full week prior to their needed deployment. For these warriors, it was a one way trip.
Once the BUTTPLUG was installed, they were destined to pass on. If they were not used in
battle, they would die from the effects of having the BUTTPLUG installed for such a long
period of time. They made the ultimate sacrifice for their Methane Gods.
Elaborate ceremonies were performed for each of
these great warriors. The final ceremony was performed just prior to battle as they were
standing on their carts with their huge bare butts exposed. The Methane Gods would walk
past to bless and anoint their butts with sugar water. Family members and friends would
form a procession. At the request of the Methane Gods they would then walk past and press
their lips against the exposed cheeks of each of the BUTTPLUG Centurions to honor them and
bid them farewell. From these ancient times and proceedings, a variation of the expression
"Kiss Your Sweet Asses Goodbye" has been passed down to modern times.
To know the fate of this great warrior class, please
read the scroll translation "The Legend of the Methane Caves" if you have not
done so already.
Forbidden
Practices
The Methane Gods
officially forbid the practice of any "fart lighting" techniques. They consider
this behavior irresponsible and dangerous based on their past history.
Below is one example of the
forbidden activity:
The following video illustrates
another forbidden activity:
(Click on BUTTPLUG
Below)
 BUTTPLUG TYPES - ILLUSTRATED
THE NOVICE
Note the attached pull chain. This
is in case the Novice user inserts the BUTTPLUG in too far during installation. It gives
them a method of retrieving it without medical intervention.
THE
TRADITIONAL
 
 
Examples of choice corks of the
finest quality.
FANCY
For those who like to show a
little style. Used primarily for special occasions and ceremonial use.
HANDLE TYPE
For those who may need to get a
better grip on it . It helps in the easy installation and/or removal of the BUTTPLUG.
SYNTHETICS
These weren't around in Ancient
Times, but they may be a modern alternative. They do tend to have less friction than the
natural cork varieties and may require a friction enhancement substance such as pine pitch
to help hold in place. Not recommended for those who have a naturally juicy or slippery
ass.
PERSONALIZED
  
For those that wish to offer a
more personal presentation.
RUSTIC
For those that wish to have a more
natural look.
BEFORE AND
AFTER
An Illustration showing the
BUTTPLUG before installation (on the left), and a BUTTPLUG after use (on the right). The
one on the right has been cleaned up for the sake of this illustration.
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