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The Official Old Fart

Methane Scrolls

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The Secret Order Of The BUTTPLUG

How To Install ButtPlugs:
 

  1. If necessary, go to the toilet and empty your bowels if you can. You don't want any solids in there if you are going strictly for gas. An errant Turd propelled under extreme pressure could be dangerous. Accidental "Turd" kills of your opponent is frowned upon by the Methane Gods and could result in revoking your BUTTPLUG privleges. The object is mass quantities of methane, not making a mess.

  2. Wash your hands.

  3. Remove any foil or plastic wrapping from the BUTTPLUG. ONLY use the finest natural corks.

  4. Either squat, or lie on your side with one leg straight and the other leg bent.

  5. Gently but firmly push the BUTTPLUG, tapered end first, into the opening of your sacred chamber. Push far enough so that it does not slip out. If you accidentally push it all the way in, you may have some interesting explaining to do to the doctor that tries to fish the thing out.

  6. Lubricants on the BUTTPLUG must to be avoided. The natural material of the cork texture is needed to hold the thing in place. If you have a naturally juicy or slippery ass, some talcum powder may need to be applied to dry things out a little. (We're talkin to YOU RunnyFart)   In extreme cases of slippery ass, an adhesive may need to be used. A weakened "rubber contact cement" is recommended. If the contact cement is used full strength, it could result in your death from the "reverse slingshot rubber band" effect immediately after your BUTTPLUG release maneuver is executed. Think about it....

  7. Close your legs and sit still for a few minutes. Avoid emptying the bowels for at least 24 hours prior to the match.

  8. Wash your hands again.

 

 

Caution:

Keep your BUTTPLUGS in a cool, dark place. Heat and Ultraviolet rays may cause the corks to fail and crumble when under the high stress of use. Should the cork fail, the dreaded PREMATURE FLATULATION could occur or if you are near a flame, you may not have time to kiss your flaming ass goodbye.