The Ancient Methane Scrolls provide the only record
of the "Age of Methane". Due to the total annihilation of that previous
civilized world, no other record exists. There are two time epochs that are recorded, BM
BM (Before Methane) is the age of innocence
of the early civilization known as "Methanos". This is an age of countless
centuries when the inhabitants of the world were unaware of the Methane Gods existence and
their influence upon them. This was a wondrous age where "breaking wind" was
joyfully practiced and celebrated.
AM (After Methane) is the age when the
inhabitants of the early civilization became Methane aware. They discovered the existence
of the Methane Gods around them, began to fear them, and fueled by the zealots of radical
religious sects known as the "Anti-Fartists", began a campaign to destroy the
Methane Gods and their influence.
The Methane Gods, being all knowing, all seeing, and
all smelling, had seen into the future and knew they would have to wage a battle against
the " Anti-Fartists". A couple of centuries before the age of AM, The Methane
Gods organized a secret warrior society known as "The Secret Order of the
BUTTPLUG". These were mortals that were loyal followers of the Methane Gods. They
developed techniques for deploying the use of the BUTTPLUG in battle. The Methane Gods
knew the day would come when they would have to use these BUTTPLUG Centurians to save
themselves from complete destruction at the hands of the "Anti-Fartist
That Great War between the "Anti-Fartists"
and the Methane Gods came to pass. The innocent and enlightened age of BM ended.
The dark ages of AM began. "FARTING" was considered indecent, vulgar, and
evil. Followers of the Methane Gods were rounded up and were executed by the
"Anti-Fartist" death squads known as the "Fart Lighters". For several
hundred years the "Anti-Fartists" gained power and influence, until they felt
they could take on the Methane Gods in battle and destroy them, not knowing that the
Methane Gods were prepared for this final battle.
The day of the great battle came to pass, so to
speak. This battle was recorded in the Methane Scrolls as "The Great
Conflagration". Finally, at the last battle, thousands upon thousands of the
"Anti-Fartists" closed in on the small armies of the Methane Gods. The Methane
Gods knew they would not survive the battle using their armies alone. They called forth
their secret weapons - the BUTTPLUG Centurions. The "Anti-Fartists" were stopped
in their tracks by the sight of these bloated Centurians; bald asses with corks sticking
out staring them in the face. The Methane Gods called out to these zealots and begged them
to stop the fighting and make peace, but to no avail. The "Anti-Fartists" were
more determined than ever to destroy them and began advancing.
The Methane Gods issued two final commands. The
first command was "torch bearers advance". A torch bearer appeared and planted
their torches in the ground just to the rear of each of the BUTTPLUG Centurians. The
second command issued was "BUTTPLUGS release". The sound of corks popping was
almost deafening. The mass quantities of methane rushed from the bowels of the BUTTPLUG
Centurians. When the gas reached the torches planted in the ground, the explosions and
fires that ensued destroyed all living things. The entire civilization of
"Methanos" was gone. All that was left was the charred remnants of the BUTTPLUG
Centurions and the immortal Methane Gods themselves. Sadly, the destruction of the world
by this savage elemental firestorm was complete.
This angered "The Great Creator", God of
all Gods so greatly that he banished the Methane Gods to caves deep in the earth for all
eternity. The Methane Gods mourned deeply for the loss of the great "Methanos"
civilization, and showed such remorse that after many thousands of years "The Great
Creator" forgave them.
The Methane Gods, however, decided to remain in the
caves forever so that such a thing could never happen again. They also wished to preserve
the ancient history of the lost "Methanos" Civilization in the "Methane
Scrolls" and the knowledge of "The Secret Order of the BUTTPLUG".
In the meantime, "The Great Creator"
placed another male and female breeding pair upon the earth, making them aware of the
penalty for forbidden farting, and giving them awareness of the Methane Gods, the caves
they were banished to, and the sins they had committed. The descendents of this pair
populated the earth until our present time - with the females having the task of reminding
the males about forbidden flatulation and its adverse affects on society. With the passing
time, the details about the Methane Gods faded into what is known today by very few as
"The Legend of the Methane Caves".